Does he love his lover? Why he may think that he does

Interestingly, many of the women who write to me are more concerned with their husband’s emotional feelings toward the woman he is cheating with (we’ll call her “the mistress” in this article) than he is with her. physically. Many say things to me like “I can deal with him being unfaithful, but I can’t deal with him actually loving her.” I understand this. Society is often more accepting of men who walk away for physical reasons, but most feel that the emotional bond and closeness should be reserved for his wife.

The problem is that often when a man cheats he is not thinking logically at all and is often looking for something he has had all along. However, he can often only see this much later, once the dust has settled and once it’s obvious that he was unbelievably wrong on countless things. However, until that moment arrives, he will often confuse excitement, reward, and “newness” with love. But, he almost always turns out to be wrong and almost always realizes this eventually. I will talk more about this in the next article.

His cheating is often not because he doesn’t love you or because he loves the mistress. It is because he does not love himself: Remember when I said that an affair is often the pursuit of something a man has had all along? Well, often that’s because something happens in his life that significantly affects his self-esteem and the way he can navigate the world. Some will call this a midlife crisis, and it commonly happens to older men. But, even young people can have an identity crisis, be under stress, or start to get bored with themselves and their lives. They are trying to feel better about their attractiveness, their sexual prowess, and their ability to present themselves in a powerful way. I’m not saying this isn’t ridiculous, I’m just sharing his thought process with you.

So often the mistress has very little to do with how she feels about you and sometimes even how she feels about her. It’s about how she feels about himself and what’s missing inside of him. Lovers can often smell this from a mile away. And she will present herself as a distraction that comes with no strings attached. You want him to think that all he cares about is having fun, that she won’t nag him or worry about picking up her dirty underwear. She doesn’t know or care that she cuts her disgusting nose and ear hairs. She hasn’t seen him at her worst moment. So, all is well, at least for a while. She’s basically all fun with none of the work or commitment. She makes time for him without worrying about housework, children, or elderly parents.

In her mind, she gives him the time and attention you used to get before you were a responsible adult. No, this is not fair, but it is reality as it is. And knowing this will help you realize that this must eventually come to an end. Because no one can keep playing this unrealistic game. Very few lovers will ever want anything more. Most are biding their time and waiting to eventually step in and make demands. They will paint the pretty picture at first by waiting until the time is right to start gradually demanding more time and commitments. Eventually, she too will start to be exposed to flaws and some responsibilities and will start to lose her attractiveness. And she can’t even begin to touch you in terms of history and shared experiences.

But, until this happens, she seems to be the answer to many of his problems. Men often tell me that it’s not as much about sex with her as many people think. It’s because she listens, because she’s funny, because she appreciates it, and because she gives him the time and attention that you’re too distracted to give her. (Again, I know this isn’t fair, but I’m passing the message along because you deserve to hear it.)

Where does all this leave you?: A lot of women will say to me, “I know what you’re saying is true, but where does that leave me? Am I supposed to wait until he gets tired of this woman?” No you should not. It is absolutely not acceptable that you are allowed to have them both. I think she needs to make it very clear to her husband that she will play second fiddle to no one and it is extremely demeaning and insulting to even be asked to.

If you are going to consider saving your marriage, then it should be a marriage of two, not three. He may well think that he loves this woman and does not want to give her up. There’s not much you can do about it, but bide your time, present yourself as the classy, ​​self-respecting person, and focus on your own happiness. Tell her that you might talk about her after she’s completely banished from her life, but until then, you need to focus on yourself. When and if she comes to her senses, then and only then will you speak.

The truth is that, statistically speaking, they are doomed. Most lovers never walk down the aisle with the man he cheated on her with. And of those who do, they have almost a 75% chance of ending this with a divorce. It’s just not a good setup, and you’ll eventually figure this out. And you’ll smell like a rose because you handled this in a way that respected yourself. You tested him until he came to his senses and you knew that then you would reevaluate what is right for YOU and your marriage, not for him or her.