Domestic Violence and Abuse Part Three

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

Domestic violence and abuse create a complex emotional and psychological syndrome in victims that makes their reality very difficult to accept. Victims believe that if they do and say all the right things, the person who loved them and treated them well at the beginning of the relationship will return. When their abusers apologize and promise to be different, their hope that everything will change is reinforced.

Fear is a major factor that keeps victims trapped in abusive relationships. They may fear for their lives or the lives of their loved ones. They may fear having to survive on their own; where they will live or what they will do for money. They may fear losing their children or putting them through the trauma of divorce.

Victims often remain in abusive relationships out of shame. They don’t want anyone to find out about the embarrassing situation they find themselves in. Those who observe particular religions or from certain cultures that prohibit divorce may feel compelled to stay and preserve the sanctity of marriage. In some cases, the victims grew up surrounded by violence at home and the abusive relationship seems normal to them.

Domestic violence and abuse doesn’t just affect the victims. Children who witness abuse are also victims; the abuse predisposes them to emotional and social problems throughout their lives. Adult victims, so caught up in their own survival, may not realize the danger to other family members. Once they realize that other loved ones are hurting as well, they are more likely to seek help. If you see children or other family members being negatively affected, speak up.

We don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors. What we do know is what our observations tell us. The following is a list of warning signs of domestic violence and abuse to look out for:

• Cut off or restricted from interactions with friends and family

• never without your partner

• You have limited financial resources.

• Has frequent “accidental” injuries

• Dresses strangely or inappropriately and/or wears sunglasses all the time

• Frequently absent from work or school

• Often misses social engagements

• He seems to be afraid of his partner.

• Constantly concerned with pleasing the partner, never expresses an opinion around the partner and/or always agrees with what the partner says and does.

• Mentions the partner’s anger, possessiveness and/or jealous temperament.

• Partner constantly checks in and/or demands frequent reports

If you suspect someone is a victim of domestic violence or abuse, get involved, don’t wait for the victim to ask you for help. It may feel like it’s none of your business, but your involvement can mean the difference between life and death for the person.

Victims may not want to talk about the abuse or may deny the danger they are in. They may stay in the relationship as a survival strategy. Ask if something is wrong. Let them know that you are concerned about their safety. Point out the things you have noticed that are causing that concern. Tell them that you want to help them with whatever they’re going through and that you’re available whenever they want to talk. Assure them that they can trust you.

Encourage and support victims of abuse during the process. Don’t advise, judge, pressure or blame them. Reinforce that what they are experiencing is not their fault. Be a good listener and validate their feelings. Let them know how valuable they are to your friends and family; They deserve to be treated well and loved.

Offer to make calls to social service agencies, lawyers, and safe houses. Offer them a place to stay, money, or childcare. Provide transportation so they can get out and get help.

Before the 1970s, until a women’s movement shed light on the problem of domestic violence and increased public awareness of it, there was a lack of understanding and very little help for victims. Today, there are many domestic violence programs in most communities across the country that support women and help keep them safe. These programs are staffed with victim service professionals who will help women navigate the process, advocate their case for them, and help them make a survival plan, whether or not they choose to stay in the relationship.

Because male victims of domestic violence/abuse do not have the same support systems or abundance of help available to them as women, their cases go largely unreported. Many men are embarrassed to report that they have been assaulted by a woman, and unless their injuries are serious, they will choose to put up with it. Because society sees men as aggressors, many men do not fight back for fear of being accused as perpetrators of violence.

In general, law enforcement tends to ignore or downplay the seriousness of men’s complaints. The judicial system often sides with women when these cases come to court. Many men report that domestic abuse hotlines treat them the same way. Fortunately, there is an organization called SAFE, “Stop Abuse for Everyone,” that promotes services for all victims and accountability for all perpetrators. Men can also find the specific help they need at HelpGuide.Org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to everyone, regardless of situation, gender, or sexual preference, without judgment. They can be contacted by calling 800-799-7233.

Reporting your abuse to the justice system can make your abuser angry and put him in further danger. Discuss your options, such as obtaining a restraining order, first with a victim services professional. Whether or not you decide to report your domestic violence incidents, it is a very good idea to document all evidence by saving emails and text messages, or recordings and phone messages. Take photos of evidence or injuries. If possible, obtain witness statements. You will need this proof if there is ever a criminal proceeding filed by or against you, or if there is a divorce or child custody hearing.