Is their role in the marriage reversed?

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What do you get when an emotionally immature man marries an emotionally immature woman? Answer: role change. The phenomenon is widespread! Role reversal in marriage is so common that the reality sounds real in her own house, or very close to it! Almost everyone knows a family member or friend in a reverse marriage.

Role reversal in marriage is usually analyzed from the point of view of inequalities in education, income, and housework. Bruce’s story is a great example.

“Our marriage is upside down and backwards. I’m the stay-at-home dad. Between the four kids, including our nine-year-old son Asher, I’ve changed 14,000 diapers. I do the laundry, the cleaning and most of the cooking. I worry about every cough and nose bleed.

Roni is a corporate lawyer. He loves power tools, hardware stores, barbecue pits, and playing the stock market. She warns me not to jump every time someone hurts their knee so I don’t end up with a house full of crybabies. She organizes, plans and strategizes. But even though she is Generalissimo Momma, we fight over who is in control.” (Ms. Magazine, June 2003)

According to Bruce, Roni was more educated, earning triple his income (and tripling his hours away from home), leaving him largely responsible for taking care of the children and housework.

Bruce’s story captures the easily observable things that often happen in role reversal marriages. The unbridled emotional content in these types of relationships is rarely controlled. For many couples it is the unaddressed emotional reality at work and its disappearance. Even though Bruce’s relationship seems to work for them, notice her last sentence: “But even though she’s the Generalissimo Mom, we struggle to see who’s in control.” Perhaps Generalissimo Momma is a funny, but endearing nickname.I do not think so! The words that follow, “we fight over who’s in control,” hint at an emotionally charged relationship.

It’s not the chores that attract partners. In many cases, an emotionally responsible and secure husband or wife can separate what she does from who she is. But for the emotionally immature it is not so. It’s how we feel about homework. It is how we feel when performing the task. It is the tension between what God created us to be versus what we were raised and socialized to be. Over the last 20 years, as a counselor and pastor, I have spoken with hundreds of husbands and wives. Many experience role reversal. Spouses undergoing a role reversal tend to be diplomatic, hospitable, and understanding. On the other hand, wives married to these husbands are commonly goal-oriented, focused, and dependent. All these features are positive and useful.

The irony is that Jesus was all of these things. Husbands and wives fight to preserve their respective qualities when each can have them all. Think of these qualities as a right and left hand. Almost everyone has a dominant hand. It’s the one we use all the time. When threatened, the dominant hand defends almost without fail. The subordinate hand is the last resort. We have it. Works. we use it. Sometimes, in low-risk situations, the sub hand makes a cameo. But above all, it is in use only when necessary. Immediate relief comes in a role reversal marriage, when one spouse begins to engage the subordinate hand. But for most, this simple idea is laced with fear and is therefore avoided altogether. Unfortunately, this contributes to emotional toxicity.

Each of the above characteristics has a toxic side for which Jesus died on the cross. Toxicity occurs when the strength of the husband and wife builds to the point that it dominates interactions and the spouse is unable to process what is happening quickly or deeply enough to achieve emotional stability. Failure to adapt to pressure results in emotional injury. Repeated injuries erode both the relationship and, more importantly, the desire for relationship. Toxicity in husbands appears non-confrontational, passive aggressive, and avoidant. For wives, toxicity shows up as aggressive, controlling, and inflexible behaviors.

The main cause of emotional toxicity is the overfeeding of strengths. We do this in a variety of ways. For most of us, our strengths are used at work and play. Constant use of our strengths strengthens them. Another way to gobble up our strengths is by associating exclusively with those who share them. In addition, our strengths are enhanced when we maintain unfavorable attitudes towards those who do not have them.

There is another discovery I made about husbands and wives in emotionally invested marriages. In fact, they have some underlying things in common. These shared characteristics are axes of emotional immaturity. They prevent us from growing. They are especially evident in toxic relationships. Some things that invested husbands and wives have in common are: fear, anger, and distrust. For example, a husband often fears abandonment. A wife fears rejection. A husband is usually angry with himself for giving away his power to another. A wife is angry with others for abusing the power that has been assigned to them. Such husbands do not rust themselves, while their wives do not trust others.

Both husbands and wives in emotionally invested marriages are rebellious against authority. Husbands often refuse to take God-given authority and wives usurp God-given authority. Perhaps the best way to begin reordering emotionally charged, role-reversed marriages is to explore the things that husbands and wives have in common. It would certainly contribute to a solid dialogue. And I don’t think either husband or wife would covet bragging rights in such a conversation!

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