The night I gave up on life

The night I gave up

I don’t quite know why I’m sharing this extremely personal story with you right now, except that there’s a little voice that’s pushing me to let it out, and I’m acting on it.

This story may be upsetting to some and may make others feel angry and for that I apologize.

I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life.

It was in 1990, my life seemed to be going well, I had many friends, I had a decent job, I had traveled a bit, I looked good, I had money in my pocket, the works. The thing is, I wasn’t that happy and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I was unhappy on the inside. I used to fantasize about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort knowing that I had a choice to live or die.

I used to plan how I was going to end my life to make it look like an accident to ease my family’s pain, my favorite fantasy was jumping off a tall building.

One night, I was working at a bar and I was walking the 2 miles home late, around 1 am. The rain could be heard rumbling on the sidewalks. I was walking slowly in the rain because I liked the feel of the rain against my skin. I saw a dog in the distance, and it limped badly. As the dog got closer, I noticed that he only had 3 legs as he ran past me. For no reason, I started crying uncontrollably because I felt so sorry for this dog. The next day I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind and wondered why it bothered me so much. I realized that I felt like the dog: alone, soaked, not quite functional, and with nowhere to go.

A few nights later I decided that the life jacket no longer fit me and was taking the vest off for good. I said good night to my mom and dad, I called my sisters earlier to tell them I loved them. I took 26 strong sleeping pills to my room after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning to go to work because he had a day off. I sat on the bed with the tablets, a glass of milk and cried while taking each tablet. I cried for my mom, and because of how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad like she only ever told him that she loved him once in my life. I cried for my sisters because I would miss them terribly and I knew they would miss me. I took all 26 tablets and put my head on my pillow to die. I am crying as I write this right now.

I don’t really remember when I woke up, I was in the hospital and two of my friends were there with my mom, dad and sisters. I had been unconscious for I honestly don’t know how long as I have never discussed this with my family since. The morning after taking the tablets, my dad got up to work normally. He didn’t wake me up like he told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up around 5am. He apparently had fallen out of bed. That fall, and my dad hearing it, saved my life, I think.

When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explanations. The hospital psychiatrist came over and asked if I needed help. I told him that I knew why he had done it and that I was going to rectify the problems in my life. I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself for having to put my family through something as horrible as this just because I didn’t have the guts to solve some of my problems.

I didn’t feel like I fit in with life, with the friends I had, the job, everything. What did I do? I started again. I left my friends when I realized they were drinking buddies and not friends, changed jobs, upgraded my skills, sorted out my finances, and moved to another city. I have never looked back since then and have been on a quest ever since to find myself and share the knowledge I have with others.

Lessons from that night

Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad you have to take your life. There are always options and if worst comes to worst, drop everything and start over. If you are in this situation right now, believe me when I say that it will get better and there are people who can help you.

I have learned to tell others how much I love and appreciate them.

I have learned to look for the signs that others may need help.

I mentioned earlier that the jacket did not fit me, what I realized when I woke up in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I did not have to adjust the jacket.

I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long slump lifted with one decision: I will change my life to follow me.