Why do men stay in a marriage after an affair? I’ll tell you
I often get emails from women who want to know why men come home or back to their wives after an affair. Sometimes this question comes from a heartbroken lover. But most of the time, it comes from the wife. Often the wife fears that she is the consolation prize and that the husband is only coming back because he got caught or because he is comfortable in the marriage or because she doesn’t want to cause more pain. These reasons are sometimes part of the equation, but more often than not, the husband realizes what a huge mistake he has made and the threat of losing everything has opened his eyes to a very dark reality, one that he wants to correct. I will discuss this more in the next article.
Cheating is often a man’s attempt to feel better about himself. He has less to do with you (or sex) than you might think: If I asked 100 people why men cheat, I would estimate that at least 85 of them would tell me something like “because sex is better with the other woman”, or “the passion died at home”, or “your wife doesn’t appreciates it, doesn’t understand it, or doesn’t pay enough attention to it.
This is the overwhelming perception, but it is not always the reality. Many men who cheat have strong and satisfying marriages. Many have satisfying sex lives. But what he’s not happy with is usually himself. He feels older and more vulnerable. His self-esteem has gotten lower, for whatever reason. He wants to feel powerful again, like he matters or is still a contender. And she’s just in the right place at the right time when he’s most vulnerable.
Sure, sex can be exciting fun and it can make you temporarily forget the doubts you had, but it hardly ever lasts. Soon, when the fog lifts, she realizes that she was looking for relief in the wrong place, with the wrong person, and now she’s created even bigger problems for herself. Sometimes she can just go back to her normal life because no one knows about the cheating. But sometimes he gets caught or the mistress just won’t let go and suddenly his very embarrassing behavior comes out, and he has bigger issues to deal with than feeling vulnerable.
Most men will realize that cheating is not what will solve their problems: At the beginning of an adventure, things are usually exciting and feel positive. And this is often because an affair doesn’t happen in real life. She never has to pick him up, clean her laundry, or reassure her that her thinning hair or other shortcomings don’t mean she’s undesirable or unlovable. She still doesn’t see her flaws or know her fears or witness her biggest mistakes or regrets. She doesn’t have any history with him and while this can be seen as an advantage at first, it quickly becomes apparent that they are little more than strangers.
Over time, she will start to want more of him. The weaknesses or shortcomings of both people will soon begin to become more apparent, and the insecurities or pain that she tried so hard to hide will return because she has done nothing to address them. Cheating on your wife isn’t really going to fix what’s wrong with your life. She’s just going to magnify it. She’s just a Band-Aid. It may take a while for them to realize it, but most men will eventually see this harsh reality, and when they do, that’s when they panic sets in.
When a cheating man returns to his wife, are you really sorry?: This is the million dollar question that almost all women ask ourselves. They want to know if he really wants to come home and if he is sincere with his apology or if he is just beaten up because he got caught and his heart is only half. I’m sure there are men who fit into this category (especially husbands who have cheated on me more than once), but most of the men who write to me are really sorry. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “What was I thinking? I was a complete idiot. I’m so embarrassed by my behavior, but now I potentially ruined my marriage and I can’t make my wife believe it.” whatever I say.”
I am not telling you this to argue that you should forgive your husband or set him free. This is your decision. And even if you decide to save your marriage, I don’t think any man should be given a free pass. They both need to understand why he cheated and work very hard to avoid this type of vulnerability again. He has a lot to fix and his sincere regret for his actions doesn’t negate it. He still dealt you a very difficult blow that must be corrected. However, he’s probably really sorry, but he’s hesitant to be really honest about it because doing so often just paints him as vulnerable and insecure and these were the feelings he was trying to cover up and heal in the first place.