I want to get divorced, now what? Read these 3 useful tips!

You once said “yes” when the priest asked you if you wanted to make that person your husband. Young, full of dreams for the future and madly in love. You are full of happiness and love when he announced you as husband and wife. He knew for sure that he would live happily ever after together with his children in a big, beautiful house in a safe neighborhood.

Of course, the first few years were great, with, it’s true, an occasional fight here and there, and then you and the kids couldn’t get lucky. But as the years went by, he felt like he was becoming more and more emptiness. The love for your partner is over and you want to get a secret divorce. But how do you do that?

Be sure of your case before you act

Getting married is, in most cases, a life-changing action. You pledge your eternal allegiance to someone, “in prosperity and in adversity,” until death. “That is a very loaded promise and therefore should not be taken lightly. In essence, you promise that you will stay with your spouse for the rest of your life, even when things are not favorable.

So if you kept your promise very faithfully, you really couldn’t even get a divorce. Fortunately, times have changed and divorce is no longer a problem, it happens every day these days. However, like marriage, divorce should not be underestimated. Getting divorced from your spouse will have a huge impact on the people around you.

Now, of course, it is not the intention that you have to stay in a marriage, but it certainly does not hurt to think carefully about your decision (divorce or not?). Don’t make a hasty decision, but consider both options in detail. Is there really no hope for your marriage?

Tip No. # 1: Ask yourself these 7 questions

Instead of going crazy with that one question (“Do I want to divorce him or not?”), You can make it easier for yourself by asking the following 7 separate questions. These will help you get an answer to your main question, and perhaps you can make a well-considered final decision later.

# 1 Do you still have feelings for your spouse?

Unless you feel completely insecure (emotional / physical / mental / financial), the only real reason to get divorced is a lack of necessary affection for your spouse. Only make the decision to divorce when you can no longer dare to regard your spouse as a loved one.

Do not file for divorce because you argue so often or because you are not intimate and not together. These are reasons to talk to each other, share your feelings, and perhaps make the decision to start couples therapy. These are not reasons to get divorced right away! For example, as long as you continue to have feelings for each other, therapy may offer the solution!

# 2 Were you ever really married?

A marriage is only really a marriage if the two spouses can be considered an “us”, rather than two people living under the same roof. Marriage is more than buying a house together, having children together, showing up as a couple at times. Marriage is a partnership of two people, a facade based on love.

Find out for yourself if it really is a “us” or just a “you and me”. Were you married simply because you thought it was supposed to be that way, and only performed the required activities that were involved in the marriage because this was simply expected of a partner? Or was he married because they had a burning passion for each other and really wanted to get married?

# 3 Are you really ready for a divorce or are you just being threatened with that?

It is not uncommon for spouses to threaten divorce. During an explosive fight, a husband can sometimes flap “I’m going to divorce you!” These arguments may be motivated, for example, by the following reasons:

– Anger and frustration

– A sigh of power and control over the other person, a way for the spouse to see things from their own side.

– Let your spouse know that you really want something to change.

– As a wake-up call that your marriage is shaking.

Keep in mind that if you are often threatening a divorce, this will greatly diminish your credibility towards your spouse. Are you really ready for divorce? You can safely think that you are at peace with the fact that you can no longer do or give anything for your marriage. They will be able to discuss it with their spouse without throwing accusations on each other’s head.

# 4 Is your decision based on self-awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

By being in a position to divorce your spouse, you can make a clear and unemotional decision that is truly supportive, even for times to come. It means that you can let go of all strong emotional ties to your spouse, both the sweet and the hostile and the painful. Actions taken on the basis of emotions are often irrational and hasty.

You are ready for a divorce if you can see that you are making an honest decision, rather than an emotional decision. For example, if you can say: “I recognize that you are a person with a personality and dreams of your own, and I respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you.” In other words, your emotional attachment to your spouse has decreased.

# 5 What is your reason for wanting a divorce?

If you have a reason for divorce other than to stop the marriage, it is an indication that you are not ready for divorce yet. Don’t assume that your spouse will suddenly change and treat you better; then you’ll still have a hard time. A divorce does not give you the power to change someone’s mind, just to end a marriage.

# 6 Have you resolved your internal divorce conflict?

Precisely because your lives have become so entangled with each other and become dependent on each other during your marriage, it can make you feel guilty if you suddenly realize that you are no longer happy and want to divorce your spouse. Acknowledging this guilt, inner conflict, and acknowledging that you are struggling with the impact of a divorce is part of preparing for a divorce.

# 7 Can you deal with the disturbing effects of a divorce?

Divorce is more than just ending a relationship with your spouse. Before making the decision to divorce, ask yourself if you are ready for the next changes. If not, you are not (yet) ready to get divorced.

– Changes in your finances, lifestyle or traditions.

– Acceptance of the sadness and anger of their children

– Acceptance of the uncertain period, fear and the unknown.

Tip No. # 2: start a conversation with your spouse

Telling your spouse that you want to divorce him / her will be embarrassing anyway, unless it turns out to be a relief to them (lucky you). However, how you tell your partner will determine the future course of your divorce. Keep the following settings:

The beginning

Pick a time when you are sure you will not be disturbed: turn off your phones and place your children with relatives / acquaintances. Then immediately start the conversation with what you want to tell him (the bad news). Do not turn around, and give direct and clear reasons. Don’t dive into a long story, but also give your partner a chance to respond.

Listen to your partner

You have to prepare for your husband to be considerably surprised by your ad and react with anger and pain. There is a good chance that he will throw all kinds of reproaches at you, but do not be tempted to go to the defense; this will only lead to a fight.

Tell your loved one as objectively as possible what you have seen and experienced in your marriage, and therefore tell him what (negative) feelings he evoked in you. In particular, don’t say he’s “a bad husband” or something like that. This way you prevent your partner from feeling attacked. Let him speak and listen carefully, occasionally summarizing his interpretation of what his partner is saying.

End the (first) discussion

Chances are, this first conversation is not the only one you will have about your divorce. There are many more details that need to be discussed regarding your divorce, but first, give your spouse the space to make his or her decision.

Let your partner know that you are sure you will reach a reasonable agreement, but that this is not the right time. Finally, repeat what you said before. Assure your spouse that you sympathize with him and will cooperate when he is ready. Then finish the discussion.

Tip # 3: process your divorce

Although you are the one who is filing for divorce, this does not mean that you have completely overcome your spouse and are ready to move on. Divorce has an impact on your entire daily life, and the changes that will occur in your life will have to give you a place.