Boundaries: Save Your Marriage or Relationship
Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in healing your relationship. It is my suggestion that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They are not designed to make you look good or make your partner look bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and courage. They appear stronger to the wayward partner and, at this point, that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list was originally titled “The 180” and it won’t take you long to find out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You are no longer a weeping sack of pain. Suddenly, you seem strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.
the 180
1. Do not persecute reason, persecute, beg, plead or implore.
2. There are no frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in the marriage.
4. Don’t follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage or start discussions about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from the relatives of your lost partner.
7. Do not ask for guarantees.
8. Do not buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying “I love you!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very lovable.
11. Do more than act like you’re getting on with your life; Start moving on with your life!
12. Being cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t just sit around waiting for your spouse: stay busy, get things done, go out with friends, indulge in old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When you’re at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be sparse or short of words. Do not insist on any topic, as much as you want!
15. If you have a habit of asking your spouse where they are, DON’T ASK ANYTHING. He seems totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you’ve picked up on the fact that “they (the lost couple)” are serious about their claims about the future (or lack thereof) of your marriage. Therefore, you move on with your life… without them!
17. Don’t be rude, angry, or even cold. Just walk away. Don’t always be so available… for anything! Your spouse will notice. More importantly, he will realize that you are lost.
18. No matter how you feel TODAY, do you only show happiness and contentment to your spouse? Become someone they want to be with, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual, but a self-assured individual who is sure of value.
19. All questions about marriage should be put on hold until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for long). Do not start such a conversation!
20. Don’t let yourself lose your temper. No yelling, yelling or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be too enthusiastic.
22. Don’t argue when he tells you how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn not to just listen carefully to what your spouse is really telling you. LISTEN to what they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut, and walk away when you want to talk, no matter what the provocation. No one has ever gotten in trouble for not saying anything.
25. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other parts of your life that aren’t in crisis.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Don’t be openly desperate or needy even when it hurts more than ever and you feel totally desperate and needy.
29. Don’t focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, currently they just don’t care!
30. You don’t believe anything you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak absolutely negative and will do so in the most strident tones you can imagine. Try to remember that they, too, are hurt and scared. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and that they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Don’t give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It’s not over until it’s over!
32. Don’t back down from your hard-earned trades. Be constant! It is the coherence of action and attitude that conveys the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the unruly party, never judge, criticize or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts you are committing are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will make you a much more attractive and mysterious person. Also, it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. More importantly, it will burst your little positive bubble; the one where they believe they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the partner.