New moms and self care
I well remember the feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and disoriented as a mother to a new baby. I drew a circular pie chart of my life and roles before kids and after kids. In the previous circle I was: lover, friend, professional, musician, spiritual seeker, workshop facilitator, public speaker, counselor and me. In the pie chart below, I was MOM. This new young life was taking my total focus, energy and sense of self.
That was several years ago, and I have a few secrets to share with new moms about their new role as a parent. I am happy to tell you that I am still very happily married. Our son is a wonderful, sensitive, intelligent, funny and loving young man. OK, I’m a little biased, he’s our son. His teachers, other adults, and his friends feel the same way, so I’m not far wrong. So, let’s look at some ways to nourish yourself during this time.
1. If you feel overwhelmed and tired, remember two things. First, you will feel like yourself again. Part of this process is changing hormones, lack of sleep, a new role in life, and awesome responsibility. You will develop a rhythm and schedule over the course of the next few months.
2. Second, talk to other moms. I felt like it was a well-kept secret, this overwhelmed feeling. You may also feel that you are not a great mother by having these feelings. I would say that about 70-80% of the women I spoke to expressed these feelings. A mentor of mine said, “Iris, we talked about instinct in parenting. Yes, we connect intimately with our son, but learning has a lot to do with being comfortable. You have been in a relationship for 9 months with your son in the womb but it will take a while to develop this relationship. I wouldn’t expect any other relationship to be established in just a few minutes. This one will take a bit of time for them to get to know each other. Be kind to yourself and praise yourself for everything you’re doing right now “.
3. Stay very positive with yourself. Refuse to be self-critical. This is a new type of relationship. You have to be gentle with your internal dialogue. Be encouraged with each step and each success.
4. Be affectionate with your partner. When you’re tired and stressed and maybe just had contact with a child who doesn’t talk, it’s easy to be a little irritable. (That’s an understatement.) Your partner is NOT the enemy. It is help and support. Praise what he does to help. Resist the urge to criticize the way you do things. He WILL DO things differently than you do, that doesn’t make him bad. Dads add balance and perspective, and your child needs both sides of parenting. In general, he will treat his new youngster as less fragile. He won’t be so neat. He will do things that are good enough instead of perfect. If you want to be partners in parenting, don’t scare him off by criticizing him for doing things differently from you. You will be grateful for these differences as your child grows.
5. Go out with your partner 2 to 4 times a month. His fundamental basis for the family is his relationship with his partner. My father was the person who gave me this advice and I have been taking it since our son was a couple of weeks old. It’s not neglecting his child, it’s taking the time to build the relationship that created this life. Plus, he keeps you in balance and helps you feel like a lover, friend, and partner, not “just” a mother. Please don’t make excuses in this case. You may need to become a creative problem solver to find someone you trust with your little one. One solution might be to find another new mom and trade time to care for her and their child while the other couple makes an appointment. You are spending 26 to 28 days straight with your child. Spending 4 to 10 hours a month with your partner is not too much to ask to stay married for life.
6. Take a few moments for yourself when you can. When your child is sleeping, take a nap, take a bubble bath, or call a friend. When your partner is home, meet a friend for coffee for an hour. Keep your gaze up. It can be a negative cycle: not having time for yourself, not taking care of your grooming, feeling down for not being attractive. I remembered to get up an hour before my son woke up so I could shower, put on makeup, get dressed, and read some inspiring words. I always felt attractive, even if he was tired.
7. If you feel extremely depressed, irrational, and out of control, call your doctor immediately. You may be one of the few new moms who need medical care and advice. Don’t feel bad about this. You are only one of the small percentage of women who have a major biochemical and/or psychological change that requires professional help. If you have any questions, call your doctor, describe your emotional state, and request an evaluation. It’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Happens. Get help now.
8. Really enjoy time with your new child. Hug, hug, smile, be silly and learn to play again. This is a time to see your life through new eyes. Your child is seeing everything for the first time. You and your partner will also experience this novelty. It’s magic!
9. See your child and your life as a legacy. When we had our son for the first time, I was able to see my life as more than just a five-year plan. I could see my telescopic life in decades together with my grandchildren. It really is a joy and an honor. You will do very well during these initial times. I can truly say that of all my accomplishments, raising a wonderful young man and maintaining a great marriage are my greatest joy.
These secrets will help you get through those first few months of being a new mom. It is a joyous time as well as a demanding time. Ask for help when needed. Get in touch with friends and former co-workers. You will be touched to know how many others are willing to help.