Should I talk to the woman my husband had an affair with?
There are many complicated and difficult problems after an adventure and sometimes I get emails asking me for advice on how to handle them. One of the most common is “should I confront the other woman?” or “Should I meet with my husband’s mistress?” These are loaded questions. It’s understandable to want answers and doubt that her husband is giving honest answers to all of them. It is common to want to know who this woman is, what she is like, and what your husband sees in her. But, there are several negative aspects that can occur after such a meeting. I’ll discuss them, as well as a few other things to consider, in the next article.
Why you probably want to talk to “The Other Woman”:Many wives want to confront or talk to the other woman because doing so will take a lot of the mystery out of the image you have of her in your mind. You fantasize that meeting her will allow you to see who you’re dealing with. Maybe you can let her know without hesitation that she needs to get away from your husband. Maybe you can make her understand that her cruel actions are destroying a family. Maybe you can get the “true story” from someone who has no reason to lie. All of these things seem perfectly reasonable when they are still only in your mind, but the reality of the situation is almost always quite different. Sometimes meeting with her can be a disaster and can make her situation worse. This is a potentially seriously unhealthy situation for you, which I’ll explain more about below.
Why so many things can go wrong if you confront your husband’s mistress: Believe me when I say that I understand what you are feeling right now. I once camped out behind the dumpster at my husband’s office waiting for her to come by. (However, I chickened out when it came time to confront her.) But, let’s think about this for a second. I bet you are thinking about confronting her because you think she will make you feel better or improve your situation. But how likely do you think this really is?
Unless this woman is kind, apologetic and trustworthy, it is highly doubtful that you will have a positive experience. I talk to women in this situation almost daily and I can tell you that it is extremely rare for this to go well. It almost always makes the wife feel worse. Because what typically happens is that the “other woman” is not receptive, communicative or empathic. No, she’s often delighted to tell you all the details of how she let you down. She will put all the blame on her husband and she will try to paint herself as the innocent part of her. She will insist that her husband approached her without any encouragement. And she will try to imply that her husband is giving her a misleading version of how things currently stand.
I am fully aware that if the matter is still fresh, it is very likely that you have doubts about the story that your husband is telling you. But, you are not likely to get a truthful account from this woman. She has been cheating on you with bad intentions all along. You have no record with her. She agrees to paint herself in the most positive light while she throws her husband in the trash. Or sometimes she will try to paint the relationship as a storybook love story, which are also people who just can’t be apart. Maybe that’s how she sees it, but her husband may see it completely differently.
Who do you really want to get your information from?: Let’s think about this rationally. The reasoning behind her desire to talk to her husband’s mistress is probably as follows:
1. You want to tell her to stay away from her husband.
2. You want him to understand the pain he has caused.
3. You want to measure it and see how it looks.
4. You want to hear their side of the story.
5. You think it will make you feel better.
6. You expect her to stay away from your husband.
Well, some of these goals may be better completed by your husband. You have a history with him, whether you want to save your marriage or not. It’s a better option to let him make it clear to you that the relationship is over and the pain it has caused. And this is what will make you feel better. It is not seeing and evaluating the other woman. It is repairing her own self-esteem and restoring trust and intimacy in her marriage. She’s making her marriage stronger and better, so much so that it doesn’t even cross her mind anymore. She can’t do these things for you (and she wouldn’t want to).
I understand that you want revenge on her. That is perfectly normal. But do you know what the best revenge is? May she be nothing more than a momentary regret. Don’t let her enter your life anymore. Push her away like the momentary troublesome little gnat she is from her and don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how she has affected you. Because at the end of the day, what she doesn’t want is for the man she’s been with to be happy and fulfilled again with her wife. She doesn’t want you to claim this role. How sweet it will be when you do. Your happiness and mental health is the best revenge. As long as she remains with remorse and shame, she conduct herself with grace and dignity and concern herself with her own health and happiness, giving her no more concern and concern than she deserves.