The first Olympics of dyed hair
The first Olympic competitions were held in Paris during the reign of King Pierre. After the jousting and archery contests, the way was cleared for the main attraction: the dyed hair contest. None of the great sporting countries, Russia, France or England, had done well at archery or jousting, so interest in the ultimate event was intense. When King Freddie complained to Merlin that he was worried about England’s chances, the Prime Minister assured him that he would soon wipe the paint off the heads of the other contestants and the smiles from the faces of King Peter and Tsar Ivan. .
Cheating in international competitions has a long history, and to expose impostors, Merlin had introduced the sponge and turpentine test to which each contestant was subjected. Merlin was given the honor of being the Supreme Solvent Slosher, but his panel of judges contained representatives from all the other competing nations. Most of the countries were quickly wiped out by Merlin’s purge and soon a pool of rainbows collected on the ground around the Prime Minister’s feet. There was little doubt about the fakers, and the panel was content to leave the sponge to Merlin.
The Frenchman posed a bigger challenge. His orange paint had been specially formulated in the Chemistry Department of the University of Paris, and Merlin was forced to hand the sponge over to a huge sergeant of the Tsar’s personal guard. When a fresh bucket of turpentine was brought in, the job was soon completed. Now only Russia’s original challenge to England remained to be resolved.
The tall Russian removed his large fur hat, and the crowd of onlookers gasped at his sky-blue locks. He paraded around the stage bragging that no one could beat him now. ‘We’ll take care of that soon,’ said Merlin, and politely invited the contestant to lower his head over the bucket. “I’ll start the test,” the Russian sergeant said, pushing Merlin aside and placing another cube in its place.
His rubbing was vigorous enough but it did not remove the staining. The smile widened on the Czar’s face. ‘There you are, ‘genuine blue hair’, Ivan said to Freddie. ‘Wait a minute,’ said Merlin, ‘let me look at that bucket,’ and he grabbed the handle as the great Russian tried to snatch it away. In the fight some of the liquid spilled and a few drops splashed on Merlin’s face. He licked vigorously around his mustache, ‘Just as he thought, water!’ he yelled he, and the other judges were forced to confirm his claim.
The panel of judges insisted that the test be repeated with solvent paint and the natural thatched roof of the High Russian was soon revealed. By now the crowd was beginning to boo as they thought everyone in the competition was a set up. ‘Let’s take the paint off your man and be done with it,’ Tsar Ivan said to Freddie. “Take off your helmet, George,” ordered the king.