Why does my spouse attack me when he is the one who cheated on me?
Sometimes I hear from spouses who are so upset that their cheating spouse is not only showing no remorse or guilt, but is being downright mean and mean. This can leave the faithful spouse wondering what he has done to deserve this kind of treatment, especially since he was not the one who cheated on him.
I heard it from a wife who said, “My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. He only admitted it because I caught him. When I confronted him, he acted like I had done something wrong. He acted like I was the most deplorable person imaginable for spying on him, even though all the signs of deception were there. He hasn’t let me. I think he’s afraid that if he leaves, I won’t give him access to the kids and it’s going to cost him a lot of money. But he’s very rude and mean to me. You’d think a man who cheated on me would go out of his way to be sweet to inspire some forgiveness. But it’s actually quite the opposite. He’s aloof. He makes nasty comments about me being a snoop under his breath. cheated because my own behavior led him to. Sometimes, I feel like answering that if I’m such a horrible person, what is he doing? He’s still married to me. But then I’m scared that I don’t want to know the answer to that question. I don’t understand .why is he acting so nasty. I haven’t done anything wrong. I think I am a good wife. Yes, I spied it. But he deserved it. Why is he acting this way? What can I do about it?”
There can be many reasons why cheating spouses will act less kindly to their spouse after being caught cheating. Most of the reasons are the result of some kind of defense mechanism or an attempt to justify cheating. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
If your spouse admitted (even to himself) that you were not to blame, you would feel much more guilty: Very few cheating spouses want to admit their innocence (even to themselves). But very few people can cheat and not be overwhelmed with guilt. Even when you know your spouse isn’t perfect or there’s no question that your marriage is seriously flawed, deep down in your heart, you know that cheating is wrong. People who cheat often hear little voices in the back of their heads that make them feel so embarrassed because the voice asks how they can do this to someone who loves and trusts them.
One way to silence that voice is to try to make your spouse the bad guy. Because if you admit that your spouse is a decent, loyal and loving person, then you really must be an idiot to betray them in this way. So sometimes when he’s mean to you, this is his way of distancing himself. He wants to paint you as less than perfect. He wants to be mad at you. Because this makes it much easier for him to continue cheating on him.
He could be attacking because he wants to keep you at a distance as a defense mechanism: As hard as it is to hear that little voice in your head when you’re cheating, it’s also horrible having to look your spouse in the eye and face them once the horrible truth has come out.
They often don’t know what to do or say. And seeing you in so much pain and with so much disappointment written on your face is almost impossible to bear. The look in your eyes reminds them of what they have done again. So to save themselves the pain, they want you to keep your distance. One way to make sure you keep your distance is for them to be mean to you. They hope that you won’t ask for all the details or make demands as a result.
How to handle it when your spouse is distant or mean after being unfaithful: Even if you have begun to understand why your spouse might be acting the way they are, none of this makes their behavior correct. And sometimes if you don’t call them out for this behavior, they may try to continue it. I think it’s better to comment on it instead of continuing to let it happen.
So the next time he makes one of those sarcastic comments, you might consider stopping him and saying something like, “Do you think I don’t hear that? Your comments are hurtful and I can’t pretend otherwise. You’re acting like I’ve done something wrong or I’ve done something to hurt you when you know that’s not the case either I can’t keep letting you treat me this way you say you’re staying and you want to save our marriage.” But we can’t do that if you continue to treat me this way. If I’ve done something to make you angry or inspire your comments, then let’s discuss it now. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear it anymore. Nothing I’ve done justifies you cheating on me. That’s the problem we have to solve. So when you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be willing to listen. Until then, I won’t listen to you put me down or criticize me when I haven’t done anything wrong.”
Sometimes this will be enough and he will realize that you are not going to let him get away with it. It is important that you do not pretend that you do not care or that you do not allow him to continue. Because if you don’t counter him, then he has no reason to stop. And you can’t really rebuild a healthy marriage if he can’t respect you enough to stop the attacks.