The 3-Date Gay Dating Plan: Stabilizing In The Blink Of An Eye
Many people focus on the first date. What to wear. Where to go. What to talk about.
Big mistake.
Out of this issue came the Three Date Plan – a battle plan to determine your ideal match on just three dates.
Warning: the three-date plan is not for everyone. If you don’t know what you’re looking for or where you want to end up, I don’t recommend it. But if you’re ready to get serious, know what you want, and are sick of the cycle of connection and heartbreak, read on.
THE FIRST DATE – Questions and Answers
The goal:
Get to know each other. Lasted.
Startup:
I should discourage him from watching a movie, a show, or going to a party. You don’t want distractions or an outside source of entertainment. They must face off and see if they have what it takes to interact for a concentrated period of time. A Starbucks works wonders. Or a bar before the crowd arrives.
So pick the spot and do it somewhere between the two of you. Then set a time limit and make other plans for later. This way there won’t be an awkward “when does this end?” business. I recommend between 1 hour and a half and 3 hours for the first appointment.
What should you do:
The first date is like a job interview: an opportunity to control the human sitting in front of you. Here they will sit, face each other and talk. Nervous destruction? Safe. But completely necessary.
Go over your appointment’s online profile beforehand, and then come up with questions. Was there something they mentioned that intrigued you? I challenge you? Did it baffle you? Let them talk about it. End the date with a big hug and (if you feel comfortable) a kiss on the cheek.
Once the date is up, follow up within a day (none of these 3 days or wait for things to be answered). And while texting is convenient, we are working in the real world here, so please call. Tell them you had a great time and would love to see them again.
What not to do:
People love to talk about themselves. For this reason, I challenge you not to say a word about yourself unless your date asks you to. If your date ends and the guy or girl didn’t ask about you, consider ending the Three Date Plan. You want someone who really wants to know about you.
THE SECOND DATE – The real world
The goal:
See how your date interacts in larger groups.
Startup:
Your second date should take place at a public event. If you like bar hopping, ask them out with your friends (and let them know they can bring their friends). Concerts, museums, movies, and game nights are fair game too, as long as friends are there too.
What should you do:
Get to know your partner beforehand, alone. You don’t want to flank them with your friends without warning. Tell your friends that your date is coming, but don’t ask them to put on child gloves. Ultimately, your date will have to coexist with them.
During the night, be firm. If you are comfortable with physical contact, give it a try and see how they react. Take this opportunity to observe them closely. Are they comfortable with your friends? Are they legitimately contributing to the evening and having a good time?
At the end of the night, leave when your date leaves. Tell them you had a great time in a quieter place and then kiss them on the mouth. Save your tongue just this once and say good night.
What not to do:
DO NOT flirt with anyone else. They are not important people yet, but there is a certain level of respect here. Also, refrain from talking about exes or recent encounters.
On the contrary, if your date does either of these two things, be careful. Point out a self-esteem issue or a bragging complex. You don’t want to be competitive and you don’t need to be jealous so soon. You’ll have plenty of time to relive your pasts later, but on the first two dates, consider it off limits.
THE THIRD DATE – Take it outdoors
The goal:
Show your cards.
Startup:
If you’re still talking, still making plans, then you might be ready to take the next step: invite them over to your home. But you must also trust your instincts. If you feel like you are not advanced enough, rinse, rinse, and repeat the dates once and twice. In the course of the repetition they will get to know each other better.
Finally, when you feel comfortable, start The Third Date.
What should you do:
Have the activities prepared. Be it a DVD, a few hours playing video games, DVRed shows on your TV, whatever. If you have things in common (what you have, if you got to this point!), It will not be very difficult to choose activities.
Now, with little more than your roommates (assuming they’re there, or you have any) to interrupt, now is the time for meaningful conversations. Do not withhold anything. Ask more questions, dig deeper.
Nothing should be off limits. Because if this goes well, and if you’ve made it this far, the chances of success are higher than they will ever be.
At this point, I let you act on instinct. From the last two appointments, have you shown that your constant is what you are looking for? If so, go boldly forward. If not, feel free to end your journey here, reconnect, and start from scratch.
What not to do:
Do not stop! If there is something your partner should know about you, reveal it. To establish a serious relationship with true compatibility, you cannot start by lying or hiding parts of your past or personality. It’s about finding true chemistry, not forcing a situation, and you want a relationship based on honest chemistry, not charade.
Don’t feel like you HAVE to continue this. If something feels wrong, it’s probably for a good reason. Unless you want to eternally swallow a problem with his personality, his past, his body, whatever, now is the time to get out. Tell them that you had a great time, but that you don’t think anything can come of it in the long run.
Lastly, don’t fight them if they decide this isn’t right for them. You are not here to convince them that you are the right one for them. Remember that you are driven, not desperate.
A FINAL DISCLAIMER
Humans are strange and random creatures. We are all different, so they will behave, react, and think differently. The three-date process does not guarantee success with anyone. Don’t wait for it. What this process guarantees is a lot less wasted time and (when completed successfully) a better chance of real chemistry. Anyone who doesn’t stay with you is not compatible with you. If you can’t stand your date in the middle, then it’s not for you.
Dating is not about accepting what you can get. It’s about hardening your shell, eliminating snowflakes that aren’t for you, and finding your true balance.
It’s hard. It is bloody. It is exhausting work. But, if you are really ready to stabilize, then you are ready to push yourself, face heartache and challenges, and reach the top.